The thing that holds me back from posting here the most is the pictures. At the same time, I easily find pictures to post on Instagram at least weakly. So what is happening? My brain being … a brain. What do I know?

This start of the year has been hard. We are planning a trip back home to Romania. I miss my family so much that it makes me sick, but at the same time, travel couldn’t be more daunting. Why? I think I am allowing myself to think too much about it. Especially flying. I think about it too much. It’s stupid. But I do it anyway. Why? Why, brain?

I’ve started creating this survival kit for myself: essential oils, crystals, prayers. But maybe it’s just January that makes it all seem harder than it is. I swear, I feel like this trip is the end of the world. I am not well in the head. But then this head is my whole world. So I have to work with it. Make it work with me. I need to exercise and I need to meditate. Eat well and sleep well.

I swear it’s like the world flipped upside down and inside out around the time I turned 40. Nothing is anymore the way it was long time ago. I have completely transformed and been replaced by a new thing.

And life is good, by all objective measures. I have work and I have friends and family has been well. Still, in the middle of the night when I wake up, I am on a plane experiencing turbulence and I cannot quiet my heartbeat.

Anyway, I know I can do this. I have faith. I think this is the ingredient that’s been missing. Belief in something bigger. A bigger intelligence out there that has our (my) well-being at heart. I need to believe again. In essential oils, incense, gems, prayers. In the Mother. She knows. She hears. She heals. She’ll make it all right.

One comment

  1. Winter is so hard. I like the idea of gathering a survival kit to survive it. I think, when there are so many expectations put on us to do so many things (and a lot of that by ourselves), it’s ok to not go the whole pictures and regular posts route with some things, just make sure you are LIVING the life you want to live, rather than trying to keep up with what it is we think we should be doing because that person over there did it so well and we admire them, or because we think we should be able to manage x, y, or z. There’s no rule says we had to blog our every thought and action, let alone give the picture evidence for it. Be you, in the myriad ways you are, because you are good enough exactly as you are.

    PS THANK YOU for taking the math out of your comments posting!

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